Nothing Left to Lose
by Moxiegirl13
Summary: When Jenny is murdered, Ryan is willing to cross whatever boundaries there are to find her killer. With the help of Castle, Beckett, and Esposito, will he succeed without breaking the law?
1. Chapter 1

Det. Ryan slid into the seat in front of his desk and picked up his favorite pen.  
"Time to finish ye ole paperwork." He muttered with a little smirk on his face. He didn't mind doing the paperwork, it needed to be done and it he was quick at it. Words came easily to him. Maybe all that reading as a teen had paid off.  
He took a deep breath and dialed Esposito's number.

"Hey Javi." He said, tapping his pen on his desk.  
"Yo, what's up Kev?

"Would you mind picking me up a coffee on your way back?"  
"Sure thing. So, we playing Castle and Beckett now? The whole coffee-in-the-morning thing?"

"No," Ryan laughed, leaning back in his chair. "Just finishing up some paperwork and the coffee would do me good. Also it's an excuse I can give Lanie when she asks where you've been in five, four, three, two-"  
Lanie approached Ryan's desk.  
"Hey Ryan. Is that Javi on the phone?"  
Ryan smiled to himself. "Yup."

He heard a sigh on the other side of the receiver. "Alright, alright. Ill get you a coffee"  
"Thanks Espo. You're the best."

He snapped his cell shut and swiveled his chair towards Lanie.  
"He's getting me a coffee, I asked him to since I've been working on paperwork all morning."

Lanie smiled. She had a soft spot for the innocent-looking Kevin Ryan.  
"Okay, thanks Kev. He was almost in trouble."  
When Ryan settled back down to finish the rest of the paperwork his phone rang.

"Kevin, it's Kate. We have our next victim."  
"Uh oh, first names and you said victim instead of Vic." Ryan smiled. "What's wrong?"  
It wasn't until then he noticed the trembling in her voice.  
"It's Jenny."  
His body froze in shock. His hand went limp and the phone clattered to the floor.


	2. Chapter 2

"Kevin... I don't even have words to-" Kate's voice cracked and she stopped in the middle of her sentence.

He barely could hear her with the phone on the floor. All he could hear, feel, and see was cold, white pain before he crumpled to the floor.  
"Ryan!" Lanie screamed and rushed towards him and tried to help him up off of the ground.

He stayed limp, and wouldn't grasp her hand, so she settled for sitting on the ground with him.  
"Leave me." He said, staring straight ahead.  
"Kevin, are you okay? Do you need to go to the hospital?"  
He didn't respond and she began to panic.

Esposito jogged into the room holding two coffees. When he saw Detective Ryan on the ground holding Lanie's hand, he set the coffee on Beckett's desk and getting on his knees on the floor next to Ryan said,  
"Kevin. Talk to me. What happened?"

Ryan stood up with out a word, grabbed his jacket off of his desk chair and pulled it on. Slowly he turned to Lanie and Javi and said, "My wife was just murdered."  
They stood in shock for a moment before Lanie started sobbing and Javi began pacing.

Pulling out his cell, he dialed Beckett's number.  
"It's Javi. Ryan told me what happened. It can't be true. I mean. Not Jenny." There was a long pause. "I'm coming okay. I need you to give me the location. I need to be there."  
Beckett drew in a breath.

"Espo. I need you to listen to me carefully. You have to keep him away from here. He can't... Kevin cannot see this it's-" A sob caught in her throat. "It's not pretty."  
"I understand." He said, rubbing his temples.  
"I'll do what I can."

When he hung up his phone and turned around, Ryan was already headed out with his car keys in hand. Javi side-stepped him, blocking the elevator.  
Ryan, figuring what Esposito was doing said, "Its my wife Epso. My wife. I need to be there."

"No." Javi shook his head and crossed his arms.  
"Hear me out Kev. I think Jenny would want you to remember her as she was. Not what she looks like after this. Listen to me man, it's gonna break your heart to see her."  
Ryan passed his hand over his face, and Javi could see the tears gathering in his blue eyes

"She was so excited this morning. She came out wearing a new floral print shirt and her favorite jeans. Twirling around the kitchen, asking if I liked her outfit. She tried to tell me something funny thing that happened at work, but I was so busy I just kissed her cheek and told her to tell me tonight." A tear rolled down his cheek.

"She never got to tell me her story. She'll never be able to tell me anything ever again."  
At that moment, the reality that his wife was gone forever hit him hard and he could no longer hold in his tears. Wanting to keep his pride, he turned away so no one would see him cry, and he let the sobs come.  
A few feet away, Lanie saw Ryan turned from Espo, hunched over and shaking. She ran to him and wrapped her arms around him. Stroking his hair as if he were a small child she whispered, "Shh, don't worry Honey. You can cry all you want."

He said nothing, but let the kindhearted girlfriend of his best friend, hold and comfort him like a mother would.


	3. Chapter 3

Ryan tossed and turned in his king size bed. Sweat covered his entire body as he thrashed around, trying to become comfortable. He knew that sleep wouldn't come, at least not for a while.

He had only been sleeping for about an hour each night for a week, and the fatigue was showing on his handsome face. Dark circles lay under his eyes, his face looked tired and wrinkled, and his sharp three piece suits and slick hair-do were replaced by sweatpants and a celtics tee shirt.  
He wasn't barely eating either.

Just drinking, and what he drank was either alcohol or water.  
His friends started to worry about him. The first few days they decided he needed his time to grieve the loss of his wife, but when the conditions became dangerous, Beckett called Esposito to ask him to check on Ryan.  
Javi knocked on Ryan's door.  
"Hey, open up man." He called.  
"It's Javi."

Ryan stumbled to the door and opened it. He leaned his head against the doorframe.  
"Hey, you okay?" Espo placed a hand on Ryan's back.  
"No." Ryan muttered before throwing up all over Esposito.  
Ryan slumped to the floor muttering. "I'm so sorry..." Over and over.  
"That's okay Man. Now lets go get you... Well, us cleaned up. "  
He helped Ryan up, placing his arm under those of the much smaller man, and lifting him up.

He walked into the bathroom and turned on the shower.  
"Okay. You get in and wash the puke off of yourself. I'll go grab you some clothes."  
He closed the bathroom door and waited to hear the shower curtain close before he went to Kevin's closet and began pulling out clothes. He marveled at how small the Irish detective's clothes really were. He grabbed a pair of sweatpants and another tee shirt for Ryan, and searched the closet for the biggest sweatpants and sweatshirt he could find. He was positive that none of Ryan's tee shirts would fit him, and he wasn't sure about the sweatshirt either, but it was better than nothing.  
He knocked on the door.

"Okay Kev, I'm coming in with clothes for you."  
He opened the door and laid the clothes on the counter. Jenny's makeup bag was next to the sink. Lipsticks and concealers and things that Javi had no idea what they were, lay spread all over the counter. A pang in his chest reminded him the Jenny really was gone. Beautiful, vibrant Jenny who had so captured the heart of his best friend and partner.  
He remembered how kind Jenny had always been. Even when Esposito wasn't too nice to her husband, she always had a smile and an encouraging word on her lips.

He missed her, and he couldn't even begin to imagine how much Kevin was hurting.  
This pain wasn't one that was going to go away anytime soon.  
Ryan emerged from the bathroom, fresh and clean.

"It's all yours." He said quietly. "Sorry for puking on you."  
"That's okay man." Espo laughed. "But uh, the paper towels I wiped off with in your kitchen didn't really do the job. So I think imma hop in the shower real quick."

"Yup." Was the response he received.  
Javi went into the bathroom and turned on the shower.  
He knew it was going to take his partner a long time to heal.


	4. Chapter 4

It was a dreary day, rain pitter-pattering on the roof of the precinct.  
Castle swaggered through the door with with a cup of coffee for Beckett. Sliding over to her side and kissing her on the cheek he said, "Morning lovely.

Beckett jerked her head to the left. "ookLay over hereTay." She whispered.  
Castle looked utterly confused. "What?"

Beckett widened her eyes. Honestly, sometimes this man could be so thick. Didn't he understand pig Latin?

"Look over there!" She hissed. He spun around a placed a hand over his heart when he was met by a face very close to his. "Jeez Ryan. You almost gave me a heart attack." He let his hand drop to his side and was about to turn back to Beckett when he realized who was standing in front of him.  
"Oh, OH Ryan. Hey buddy. How ya doin'?"

Beckett sighed. Castle obviously had no idea how to act around a man who just lost his wife. She was going to have to take over. Standing, she walked to Ryan and put her hand on his arm.  
"I'm glad to see you're doing better." She said gently. "It's good to have you back."

"It's good to be back." He replied weakly.  
Esposito entered on the scene, and didn't look pleased. He crossed his arms and stepped between Beckett and Ryan.

"What are you doing here?" He asked gruffly.  
"Wow. That's a nice warm welcome." Ryan replied sarcastically.  
Esposito rubbed his temples. He was worried about Ryan. He had just lost his wife, and had been really sick the last few days. It was too soon to be back at work.

Gates had given him time off, and he didn't know why Ryan wouldn't take it.  
"Sorry." He muttered. "I just think thats it's too soon for you to be working again."

Esposito was his friend, and was only concerned for Ryan's well being. But at the moment, it felt like his partner didn't want him there.  
"Thought we were partners 'Till the Wheels fall off' it doesn't seem like you're being a very supportive partner right now, and if you can't be supportive, then I don't want you around."

Without another word, he brushed past Esposito and sat down at his desk.  
"Don't worry about it Espo. He's just hurting right now." Beckett said gently. But Javi was worried he may never get his best friend back.


End file.
